Tuesday, October 12, 2010

"IT"



Often the road ahead is blocked. It is so hard to explain it. I catch my breath to give my mind some strength. I look up from my cynical the-world-is-over thoughts and the world around me dissolves instantly. I only see ‘it’ standing fiercely tall. My legs tremble in fright, I breathe in and out to muster all my might. ‘It’ stood insistently between me and growth. ‘It’ stood without a window or a door. I had to find a way around or climb my way across. I stared at ‘it’ for seconds that turned into hours, trying to imagine a way. I pictured running ‘it’ down, head on. I ended up with a throbbing head ache. I placed a ladder to climb over ‘it’. Midway I realised the ladder would always be too small. I climbed back down to find a way around ‘it’. If I avoided ‘it’ altogether and just dodged ‘it’, ‘it’ would no longer be an obstacle in this race course of life. No matter which side I walked ‘it’ stretched all around. I eventually tired myself out enough to land on the floor and stare at it. I noticed its large size, the gravity of the situation I was in. I knew then that I had to face ‘it’, deal with ‘it’, and bring ‘it’ crashing down if I had to go ahead on this road. I could turn around walk away and find another path. But I was sure that sooner or later I would be faced by ‘it’ again. I knew ‘it’ had to be dealt with right away. 
I stared ‘it’. I looked at its superficial coating. I looked beneath that to understand what it was revealing. I probed to explore the intricacies to estimate how the process of demolishing would unfold. I knew that physically I would never be able to bring ‘it’ down. I had to find ‘its’ weaknesses and work on those. I noticed ‘it’ was far from shaky and had a strong rooting. So that was an open and shut option. It then struck me.
I pretended ‘it’ was all a farce, the obstacle was merely in my mind. I floated a thought of bringing ‘it’ down. I heard the sound of bricks crumble. But this was just the beginning. I focussed harder on it. I told myself if I opened my eyes ‘it’ would seize to exist. I told myself ‘it’ was deconstructed within and that the battle is fought in the mind. The battle won there is battle won over all. The battle was fought today for sanity and company. The war was waged by me against my wall of fears; demolishing it to emerge fearless and stronger. It takes courage to spot the wall within, it takes strength to bring it to its end. It made sense to acknowledge its existence, to focus all my energies in making it part of history. I knew its remains would be there somewhere. But singular entities are much easier to address than an army of them, standing together and tall fearlessly attacking you. I eased my mind by telling myself that the battle is won. And all I had to do was realise it was all in my mind.